Handling Difficult Responses in Coaching
Navigating Challenge with Calm, Curiosity and Compassion
This compilation is an educational resource developed by the British School of Coaching. This series is compiled as a foundational resource for coaches in training. Each article introduces a practical coaching tool or model, grounded in theory and supported by real-world application. Whether you’re preparing for ILM coaching qualifications or looking to deepen your understanding of best practice in coaching, this series offers research-informed insights to strengthen your coaching toolkit.
Even the most skilled coaches will encounter moments when a coaching conversation becomes uncomfortable, resistant, or emotionally charged. These “difficult responses” are not signs of failure—they are opportunities for growth, insight, and deeper trust, if handled with awareness and care.
This article explores common challenging responses that coaches may face during sessions, and offers practical guidance for responding constructively.
1. Anger or Attack
What it looks like:
The coachee becomes visibly angry or lashes out verbally—perhaps blaming the coach or reacting emotionally to feedback.
What not to do:
Don’t become defensive, argue, or escalate into a confrontation.
What to do instead:
Acknowledge the emotion. Stay calm and invite the coachee to explore what’s behind their anger. Reassure them that the conversation is about behaviour, not personal judgment.
Example: “It sounds like you’re angry about this process. I want to reassure you that this feedback is about specific behaviours, not about you as a person. Can you tell me more about what’s frustrating you?”
2. Defensiveness or Denial
What it looks like:
The coachee dismisses feedback or insists your observations are incorrect or unfair.
What not to do:
Avoid arguing or ignoring their viewpoint. Don’t get into a tit-for-tat debate.
What to do instead:
Remain open. Invite them to share what they see that you might not. Be ready to revisit the observable evidence you’ve based your comments on.
Example: “It seems like we have different perspectives. Can you point out what part of my observation feels inaccurate to you?”
3. Blaming or “Passing the Buck”
What it looks like:
The coachee blames their performance on external factors—lack of time, tools, support, or resources.
What not to do:
Don’t dismiss their concerns, but also don’t let them avoid responsibility.
What to do instead:
Acknowledge their frustrations and refocus them on what they can control.
Example: “It sounds like you’re facing some real challenges. Let’s note those and revisit them later. For now, what can we focus on that’s within your control?”
4. Silence or Withdrawal
What it looks like:
The coachee shuts down—offering little to no response, avoiding eye contact, or disengaging from the conversation.
What not to do:
Don’t ignore the silence or carry on talking as if nothing is wrong.
What to do instead:
Gently acknowledge their quietness and invite them to share what’s going on.
Example: “I notice you’re not saying much. I want to check in—what’s on your mind?”
5. Indifference
What it looks like:
The coachee hears your feedback but appears not to care or engage with the issue.
What not to do:
Avoid criticising them for lack of interest or motivation.
What to do instead:
Name what you’re noticing and connect the issue to their goals, team impact, or values.
Example: “I’m getting a sense that this may not feel important to you. Let’s explore how this might be affecting your goals or the team.”
6. Despair or Discouragement
What it looks like:
The coachee becomes disheartened, overwhelmed, or emotionally low in response to feedback.
What not to do:
Avoid brushing aside their feelings or giving surface-level encouragement like “don’t worry.”
What to do instead:
Acknowledge their emotional response, separate performance from personal value, and look for small wins to rebuild confidence.
Example: “It sounds like this was hard to hear. I want you to know this doesn’t reflect your worth—it’s about specific areas we can work on together.”
Coaching Principles for Difficult Moments
These suggestions rest on three core coaching principles:
-
Acknowledge the emotion or resistance.
Don’t ignore discomfort—name it gently. -
Be flexible with the agenda.
A difficult moment may be more important than what was planned. -
Consider your own contribution.
Ask yourself: Am I doing something that’s creating or intensifying this reaction? A reflective coach is a responsive coach.
Conclusion
Difficult responses are not roadblocks—they are doors. When handled with empathy, curiosity, and skill, they lead to stronger relationships and deeper learning for both coach and coachee.
Stay present. Stay grounded. The discomfort may be the most transformative part of the session.
References:
- Cox, E., Bachkirova, T., & Clutterbuck, D. (2018). The Complete Handbook of Coaching. 3rd ed. Sage.
- Starr, J. (2021). The Coaching Manual. 5th ed. Pearson.
- Rogers, J. (2021). Coaching Skills: A Handbook. 5th ed. Open University Press.
